I'll Have A Blue, Blue Christmas

As I gear up for my first Christmas, in a very long time, completely alone. I am not totally despondent... YET. I suppose depression could set in by Christmas Eve. It's not that I've had particularly good Christmases in the past few years, in terms of receiving, but I really stopped expecting gifts a long time ago. I am always very excited, grateful and touched to receive them, but the bulk of my joy has always come from giving. I would always take great pleasure in going out and finding the perfect gift for my nearest and dearest. That joy is now gone. In recent years, I've been financially crippled by circumstances of my own creation. Still I am blessed. I have wonderful memories of Christmases past to ease me through 2007.



Thanks to years of dragging myself to after-Christmas sales, I have overdecorated (two trees) in an attempt to create some holiday spirit. I have sent out greetings, electronically and as many as I could afford by mail. I've received some lovely responses and even gotten one in the mail. Still, the spirit eludes me. I received a lovely offer from my friend, Aaron to take a road trip to someplace, but the thought of showing up anywhere empty-handed depresses me further. Besides, the roads are treacherous, not to mention gas prices, RIDICULOUS. I will make it on my own. I probably should.


Today I will go to the library and get enough books and videos to last me till mid-January, but knowing my voracious appetite for books, I will probably have to make another trip next week.

SIDE BAR: I finished Ida B. yesterday. As I was reading the last page on the 2 train yesterday, tears began to stream down my face. As I walked through the terminal on my way to the N train, I'm sure I looked like I'd just lost my best friend. I did. That book was my best friend for a few days, at least.

Friday: I will do my monthly grocery store excursion, making sure to pick up the trappings for a sumptious holiday menu (must not forget the yams for the candied sweets).

Saturday: I will start the holiday cleaning, laundry included, strategically place a few pine branches to make my tree smell real. I keep a tree up too long to get a real one. I would forget to water it and by January 6, have the kindling for a California brushfire in the livingroom.

Next week: I will start to bake. My friend, Melanie, wants a pound cake and my sister, brother and cousins look forward to chocolate chip cookies. Sometime during the week, I'll sneak down to Jersey and drop off the goods.

Christmas Eve: I will prepare the meal, making sure there is enough to feed anyone who might drop by (I have a neighbor that will probably pop in). It's my responsibility to be a blessing to someone else at all times. As hard as the holiday is on me there are others who suffer more. I should actually think about volunteering at a soup kitchen or shelter, but I would spend most of the time crying in the cornbread. My heart can't stand to see folks having a hard time.


Christmas Day: I will wake up, turn on the yule log, prepare and sit down to a nice breakfast and open my cards. I'll make a phonecall or two and be ready to drag myself to a matinee by mid-morning. I'm still not sure what I'll see... something heart-warming, no doubt... perhaps, I Am Legend.


SIDE BAR: If you haven't done so already, get yourself to see Dirty Laundry. You will thank me for the recommendation.


I will come home, warm up dinner and pick at a plate before retiring with a book.


Through it all, I will remain grateful for the greatest gift of all.






Besides, blue is my favorite color.