I'm Gonna Write A Letter: Translating Hoodspeech

Just like the Wayans Brother's characters, I have long known the value of a well-crafted letter, especially when lodging complaints. Not only do you get the opportunity to carefully state your position. You also add to the paper trail for your potential lawsuit. The letter is usually my last line of defense after all other means have failed. That's because my letters are almost always directed at a CEO or Vice President. I like to make sure I have something to complain about on the way up the corporate ladder. My letters always get the desired result.


Over the years I have crafted a letter or statement for a few friends. They will request them, depending on the magnitude of the situation. Two days ago I received such a request from my good judy, Stankisha (named after her father, Stan), one of my oldest and dearest. We're both hood kids, raised by southern grandmothers so we pretty much think alike in most instances. She will usually call on me to craft something when she is angry because, at that point, the polish falls away and she reverts back to the hood.


What she's thinking: I would like to exhaust every possibility before moving on to the next option.


What she says: Bitch, don't make me come down there!



Here's the email I received from her this week:


HI ROD:


HOPE ALL IS WELL WITH YOU. I MISS TALKING TO YOU. CALL ME SOON SO WE CAN CHAT AND YOU CAN MAKE ME LAUGH.


WELL ROD, I NEED YOUR WONDERFUL WORDING FOR A LETTER. LET ME TELL YOU WHATS GOING ON. IT'S THE DAMN ROACHES IN MY APARTMENT! THEY ARE EVERYWHERE! ALL OVER THE HOUSE. THE KIDS AND I WERE EATING DINNER THE OTHER NIGHT AND WHAT COMES WALKING ACROSS THE TABLE... A FUCKEN ROACH. THEY'RE IN THE BATHROOM, THE BEDROOM, I CANT EVEN LOOK AT TV IN MY LIVING ROOM BECAUSE THEY'RE CRAWLING ON ME AND THE BOYS. THEY HAVE COME TO SPRAY THE HOUSE, BUT THAT SHIT IS FOOD FOR THEM. THE FAMILY NEXT DOOR MOVED TO ANOTHER APARTMENT BECAUSE THEY WERE SO BAD. I AM THE ONLY ONE ON THIS FLOOR AND THE SHIT IS OUT OF CONTROL. I SPOKE WITH SOMEONE IN THE HOME OFFICE LAST WEEK BY THE NAME OF NATALIE, BUT THAT BITCH WAS OF NO HELP. SHE TOLD ME "WELL MS. MURRAY IT LOOKS LIKE THEY HAVE DONE EVERYTHING THAT COULD BE DONE." SHE ACTED LIKE IT WAS NORMAL FOR BLACK PEOPLE TO LIVE LIKE THAT. I TOLD THAT HO I PAY MY RENT ON TIME AND SOMETIMES DAYS BEFORE THE 1ST OF THE MONTH. I EXPLAINED THAT NEXT MONTH (SEPTEMBER) I WOULD NOT PAY THE RENT. I WOULD PUT IT IN ESCROW AND THEY COULD TAKE ME TO COURT BECAUSE I HAVE VIDEO OF THE ROACHES CRAWLING ALL OVER THE HALLWAY, ALL OVER THE APARTMENT WHERE THE FAMILY JUST MOVED OUT, EVERYWHERE! BEFORE THE BITCH HUNG UP SHE SAID "WELL MS. MURRAY, DO WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO." ROD, YOU KNOW I'M A VERY NEAT AND CLEAN PERSON. I JUST WANT THEM TO DO SOMETHING.


GET BACK WITH ME SOON......LOVE YOU, STANK

Here's what I came up with:

Becky Heather AshleyJen, Chief Operating Officer
Slumlord & Company, LLC
Segregationaintdead, GA 30909

RE: Roach Infestation

Good morning Ms. AshleyJen:

Slumlord & Company's web site boasts dedication "to a hassle free living environment in which our residents can enjoy all of the benefits of quiet, attractive, and inviting homes. Resident happiness, and comfort are our main goals." Yet when I reported a roach infestation in my unit, I was met with the response "Well, Ms. Murray, it looks like they've done all that can be done," suggesting that my only option is to clear some closet space for the intruders and coexist with them until which time they see fit to leave. This is unacceptable.

I have spent the better part of my working life in customer service and operate by the creed that a customer, though not always right, is always important. This means that every customer should walk away from each consumer interaction satisfied that their need has been addressed or that every avenue has been explored to meet that need. It is a standard to which I hold myself and everyone with whom I do business.

After an exchange with Natalie, I walked away with the feeling that Slumlord & Company is completely unconcerned with providing the minimum standard of occupancy for my children and myself as outlined in Georgia's Standard Housing Code. When I informed Natalie that I felt my only recourse was to withhold my rent in an escrow account until the matter is resolved, she cavalierly informed me to "do what I have to do." My attorney advises me that I must not withhold the rent, but explore other options and avoid litigation. Therefore I am addressing this matter with someone I hope is able to be of greater help.

I would be so appreciative of any action that you can initiate to resolve this matter. I am prepared to provide you with video footage that shows me brushing roaches from the dinner table and from the faces of my sleeping children. The footage will also show a clean, well-maintained living space. I will be happy to provide statements from other residents and references from former landlords, who can attest to my cleanliness and care of their properties during my occupancy. Please contact me at your earliest convenience if you desire any of these.

Thank you for your attention to this matter.

Stankisha Murray.

Once again, the desired result has been achieved. Within an hour of faxing the letter, she received a call requesting permission to enter the unit to bomb, got a $100 reduction on the rent and the promise of an independently contracted exterminator's service, monthly until the roaches are eradicated. Now we just gotta watch to make sure they don't spray some sickle cell up in through there.